Only in my dreams...

This is a picture of my cute Nana and my niece Eve. They look so cute, all ready for bed! I really miss her. My Nana died last December and like I said, I miss her. A lot.

Last night I had a dream and she was in it. In my dream I had forgotten she passed away, and we were talking and laughing with my mom and my aunt. At one point, she started to cry and when I asked her why she was crying she said, "I am sad because I am going to miss you! But I'm not afraid to die, because I know. I know today just like I knew yesterday. I know!"

I wouldn't say the dream was disturbing, but it has been on my mind since I woke up. One of my cousins was in my dream too, and in my dream she told me she was struggling.
I told her that I had been having a hard time too and she said, "I don't think I'm here by coincidence."

So...what does it all mean?

That I don't know, but I feel strongly that my Nana was trying to tell me something. I really felt her talking to me, through a dream, but I don't know what I'm supposed to know. Is she telling me to have more faith? Is she reassuring me she is with our Heavenly Father? Is she directing me to my cousin so we can help each other? Honestly, I don't know...

I do miss my Nana terribly. She used to write me letters all the time with words of encouragement and her testimony. She just seemed to know when I needed something to lift my spirits. She'd include notes that would say, "This is a hug from me to you" and signed every letter with hugs and kisses. Maybe she was sending me some encouragement from beyond the veil? Letting me know she's still there? I'm not sure.

But I hope she visits my dreams again! I love you Nana!

Am I the biggest loser?

So...

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and couldn't believe who you saw staring back at you? You look at the reflection and say, "What the hell? Who is that? I don't know her!" and then you get that sinking feeling that, yeah...you DO know her. That's YOU.

Yep. I have reached a breaking point.

I seriously thought that maybe I was going nuts, that I was once again off my rocker. I've been screaming at my kids, so very easily irritated, and generally angry...for no reason. I mean, come on--what do I have to complain about? I have a beautiful home, 4 great kids, a husband who loves me despite my flaws--what more do I need?

So I took a good hard look at that girl in the mirror. I decided it's time for some serious changes.

Time to take better care of ME.

• go to bed earlier
• take my meds EVERY DAY
• eat the right foods
• drink more water
• try to be more physically active
• let stuff GO...no more emotional baggage
• read more
• laugh more
• smile more
• take more naps

I am stressed OUT and I have to take care of myself before I can take care of my family. As a mom, I am gonna be busy and there really isn't a way around it, but I can learn to handle things better. And so I shall.

I joined Weight Watchers Online again. Granty just laughed. How many times have I joined now? Hee hee! Doesn't matter. I feel better already knowing that I am doing something for myself to make me feel (and look!) better. Maybe I'll be lucky this time and I won't have to join ever again! I'll be the biggest loser! WOOT!

Take care,

UPDATE...UPDATE...UPDATE

WOW..it's been a long time!

I've thought about blogging a lot lately, but just haven't taken the time. I'm busy, yeah, but I should be better about updating this thing! After all, it is my journal...

ANYWAY...

Here, in a nutshell, is what's been going on around here:

• A TEEN'S ROOM...while Tim was gone on trek, I had my parents help me "redo" Tim's room. A lot of people were concerned I was doing it as a surprise...that he's a teenager and would want his room a certain way...that he wouldn't like it. Well, I know my kid...and he LOVED it! We painted a foot high black stripe around his room, hung his old skateboards up, bought some new posters, got new bedding for his bed, and grandma even made him a new quilt (black and white). We even hung up some old snowboards as shelves. Now onto Kaleb & Cameron's...
• TREK...Tim came home a seriously changed person. When I picked him up the night they returned, he cried the whole way home. He just didn't want to leave the feelings he had in Martin's Cove behind. He made some amazing friends and learned some wonderful lessons. He hasn't been the same since coming home.
• BREAK UP...YES!!! you heard me right, Tim broke up with his gf! He came home from trek and decided there are some better things out there for him, and let her go. He met some really cute girls on trek and has had a great time just getting to know said girls. He's hanging out with his friends, has joined the wrestling team at school and is getting involved with debate. FINALLY, we're on the right track!
• SUMMER...we had a fun summer. We went swimming, had bbq's, went to movies, played miniature golf, went to neighborhood parties...we really had a good time together. Our big vacation was the beginning of September in St George. What could be better than days and days of swimming, eating good food, and sleeping? Oh, and watching "The Vampire Diaries" on DVD. WOOT!
• SCHOOL...it may sound strange, but I did NOT look forward to school starting. I hate the busy schedule school brings. Now, I know there are mom's with busier schedules than me, but frankly, this is busy for ME:

5:30am.....get up, make lunches, make breakfast
6:00 am...take Tim to the school for wrestling practice
6:45am....make sure other 3 kids are getting ready for school
7:00am....make breakfast, again
7:30am.....Kaleb & Cameron off to school
7:40am.....Taylor off to school, 1st two babysitting kids arrive
8:00am.....other two babysitting kids arrive
11:20am....one more babysitting kid arrives
1:30pm....1st babysitting kid goes home
2:10pm.....pick up older babysitting kid from school
2:15pm....pick up Taylor from school; take two neighbor kids home
3:00pm....Kaleb and Cameron home from school
3:30pm.....pick up Tim from school after debate
5:30pm.....babysitting kids go home

Whew! That's all I can say...

• SCOUTS...my twins love scouts. They have become heavily involved in their boy scout troop and LOVE going on camp outs. They are leaving tomorrow on another said camp out--this one to Moab. The boys are all being checked out of school early. All the boys but mine. Due to some pretty pathetic grades, I can't justify letting them miss some school. Luckily one of their leaders is willing to wait for them to come home from school and then take 'em. Lucky, lucky boys!
• SHE'S WEARING WHAT?...that's right folks. My almost 12 yr old daughter has decided to sneak make-up to school since I won't let her wear it. Okay, I take it back, she can wear mascara and lip gloss. That's it. I have caught her after school with eyeshadow, blush AND lipstick on. See, she's not smart enough to wash it off before she comes home. Little stinker! *sigh* I guess I have to accept the fact she is turning into a young woman and wants to do young woman things. Except make-up!
• I AM SWEDISH...well, in the play I am in. YES!! I am in a play! Again! Finally! After what, 17 years, I am back on the stage! WOOT! The thing is, my character is Swedish...how the hell do you do a Swedish accent? I sound too German, or too Spanish whenever I try. Everyone keeps suggesting the Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show--now wait a second. First, you can't understand a word and second, I don't wanna throw fish around. Sheesh! Seriously though, I am stoked to be in another play. I can't wait for the next one!

Well, that's about it for now. I suppose I shall sign off until next time. Until then, be excellent to each other...

Keep on Trekkin'!

I sure suck at blogging lately. Anyway...

Our Stake is going on the Pioneer Trek this summer and I am SO JEALOUS! The church didn't start doing trek until after I was married, and I've always wanted to go. When we found out that Tim was going on trek this year, we decided to help him get ready as a family. He didn't seem very excited to be hiking out in the heat, so I knew we had to get him excited and change his point of view.

Since May, we have spent one night each week reading pioneer stories. The youth are encouraged to find a pioneer name and "trek for them". I've been asking Tim almost daily, "Did you decide who you are trekking for?" and always the answer was no.

Last Saturday, the Stake had a truly awesome activity. The set up a mock Iowa City for the youth to learn pioneer activities, have pioneer food, etc. When I dropped Tim off at the activity, I had this overwhelming feeling of reverence. "Iowa City" was filled with youth and leaders all dressed as pioneers. It was amazing! I almost felt like I had a tiny glimpse of what things were like before they headed out to come west. I heard music, laughter, and felt the excited energy of everyone there.

Tim came home really excited about trek and said, "Mom, I've got my name." He chose the name Robert Loader, who was 10 years old when he came west. I immediately started researching him online, but I found very little about him. Some information said he died on the plains, some said he lived. So I pressed on.

I came across information his sister wrote. Her name was Patience Loader, and she is actually quite well known. She had written a very long and detailed story of her families experience coming to Utah, so I decided we would learn from what she wrote. However, that wasn't enough. Did he live, or didn't he? And if he lived, where did he end up?

My last effort on finding information proved successful. There was an article submitted to the Pleasant Grove Cemetary from Robert Loader's GREAT GRANDSON. He had lived! He had a family! He was buried in Utah...only 20 minutes away from us!

So....

On Monday, for FHE, we went to find where Robert Loader was buried. On our way to the cemetary, I read some of Patience Loader's journal entry. I read of how they suffered, of how they were hungry, of how they pulled their dying father in handcart, of how they ate soup made from sagebrush, of how their tent was so frozen they couldn't put it up, of how they crossed the Sweetwater River and almost got swept away due to the current, of how their sister gave birth to a baby boy on the trail, of how they were certain Heavenly Father was aware of them and was blessing them. The kids were silent as they listened.


We were all eager to find where Robert was buried. We searched for quite a while and were starting to get discouraged, when Granty found his headstone. We were pleased to see that he was buried next to his wife, Eliza Driggs and two of his sons, James & Monroe. I wanted to see if by chance any other members of his family were buried there as well, and when I checked the register, I found his mother's name. When we found her plot, we were amazed to see that Amy Loader (his mother) was there, along with a memorial for his father, James Loader. Next to them was buried his older brother John and his wife as well as his sister Annie.

We stood for a while contemplating who these people were, and when I looked back for Tim, I saw he was still at Robert Loader's grave. He later told me that he was having a conversation with Robert, letting him know we was trekking for him. Tim said it was just like talking to a friend. I believe Robert Loader and Tim WILL be great friends one day.

I have such a deep, deep love for the pioneers. I always have. If there is any group of people who are an example to me of pure, perfect faith, it is the pioneers. I am so grateful to them. Grateful for their courage, their endurance, their love of God and their determination to never, never give up. But most of all I am grateful for their example.

"Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard?
'Tis not so; all is right.
Why should we think to earn a great reward

If we now shun the fight?

Gird up your loins; fresh courage take.

Our God will never us forsake;

And soon we'll have this tale to tell —All is well! All is well!"

We are family :)

You know, I've never been one of those people who has grand spiritual experiences. The kind that shake you up and make you say, "Hallelujah!" I guess things happen to me on a smaller scale. The Lord knows I am not always teachable, and has to take His time with me.

Last time I posted, I was in search of how to handle the situation with Tim. It was a very long weekend for me. I don't think I have ever really, REALLY fasted and prayed for an answer like this. I've prayed before. I've fasted before. But never quite this intensely.

I was sitting in Sunday School, still hoping for an answer, when all of the sudden ideas came flooding into my head. They were coming so rapidly I almost became short of breath. I started writing and writing and writing as fast as I could, trying to keep up with my racing thoughts. When I was finshed, I read what I had written and was amazed at the simplicity of what my words said. Basically it said, pull together as a family. Do this as a team. Make things right as a whole.

I came home from church and told Granty about what happened. I told him we need to start reading the scriptures as a family, saying family prayer, having FHE, spending LOTS of time together as a family--we had to become a united front because Satan was pulling us apart.

Granty just smiled at me and said, "Let's do it."

I asked him if he wanted to pray about it and he said no. He said he knew I had gotten an answer before I even told him and he was certain what I was saying was right.

It seems so simple--scriptures, prayer, fhe. We've always tried to do those things, but we've never been very dedicated. Granty wasn't interested and the kids didn't want to, so it easily got pushed aside. Not anymore. Our whole family is completely immersed in this and everyone WANTS to do it. No objections. No arguments.

It has made a difference.

There is a new spirit in our home. Things feel different. Sure the kids still argue. Of course we still disagree. But something has changed.

Yes, things are still tough with Tim, but what I have learned is this: we are strengthening our family bond. We are linking together and holding onto one another so that nobody will be left behind. That day in Sunday School, I had this vision of a sinking ship. I was watching as Tim was drowing and all of us, ALL OF US, were pulling him aboard the life boat. We were doing it together. Nobody was willing to let him go.

Nothing miraculous has happened in my home. Nothing earth shattering has occurred. The only thing that has changed is that were are truly including our Heavenly Father in keeping our family strong. Yes, bad things will happen. Yes, one of my children may let go for a time, but we will not give up in our rescue. We are a family, and for the first time, I think I know exactly WHY families are forever.

I love you Sutton family. We're in this forever!

The answers will come...

Granty & I went to dinner last night. We needed to get out of the house so we could breathe and just...talk.

We have been given suggestions what to do, come up with ideas of our own, listened to the opinions of others, and frankly...we are stumped. We don't have any idea what we should to. It's a decision that will affect our whole family, so it's important that we make the right choice. Honestly it's important all decisions we make are the right ones. But I digress...

Sitting there at dinner I decided I was going to the temple the next morning. I wanted an answer and I wanted it NOW. I always hear that the best place to go when making a choice is the temple...it's a place of inspiration, and I needed some inspiration BIG TIME!

I lay there in bed last night thinking over and over, "Please help me know what to do. Please help me to know if this decision is right." I know the Lord won't tell us what to do, but he can let us know if what we've chosen is right. I was hoping to get that answer the next morning.

At the temple today, I promised myself I would listen closely. That I would really hear the words that were being said. Perhaps the answer was in the words that I've heard so many times, yet I'd not heard them before.

As I listened, I had a strong impression I need to hang on to Granty. I felt strongly that I need to listen to his council...that he is the head of our family and I should listen to him. The tingling sensation I had all over my body told me that I was indeed married to the right man and that together, he and I will make it through this.

I kept listening. I listened intently. I said over and over in my head, "Please. I need an answer. I need to know what to do. Tim is YOUR son. Help me know what he needs." I listened. I listened more. Nothing.

I was sitting and pondering how unfortunate it was I hadn't gotten an answer. I wasn't mad. I was frustrated. I was tired. I was downright exhausted. Again, that tingling feeling came over me and the words, "I am aware of you" came to mind. I sighed. I wasn't going to get an answer, but He confirmed to me what I already know...He is there.

I came home and told Granty all about my experience. He could tell I was discouraged and he told me, "We don't have to make a decision now. I guess the answers are still to come, but we can wait. We'll just keep asking."

How grateful I am to have such an amazing husband who keeps me grounded and forces me to keep marching on when I just don't want to.

I can keep on keeping on, because He is aware, and eventually, the answers will come.

NO.MORE.DRAMA...conclusion

I thought this was going to take several days to write. It's only taken one. Interesting...

3 days had passed since we caught Tim sneaking around and I got a text from a good friend of mine. She texted me and said, "change your blog to private". I responded and asked why? Then she called me.

She proceeded to tell me that my blog was being plastered all over facebook. She said that her sister, who lives in Lehi, had looked at one of her friend's facebook and couldn't believe what she was seeing. Her sister said she felt physically sick. So I asked, what is going on??

Apparantly, Tim's gf "stumbled upon" my blog and saw the entry titled "Stabbed in the back". I'm sure you have read it, but if you haven't, I posted it in February. Go take a gander. I can wait............

In that post I called his gf a few ugly names. It wasn't the right thing to do. I admit it. But I was mad. I was furious. I was venting my feelings in my personal journal/blog and didn't expect anyone to see it but my friends and family.

Well the whole world was privvy to it that night.

Tim's gf told her best friend about my post. The best friend then told her mom (the friend's mom). The mom then posted the following on her facebook:

"My daughter's best friend has had a long time relationship with her boyfriend. The boyfriend's mother, apparently, does not like her. So, she has decided to vent about this poor girl on her blog. For example: http://whatshappeninhotstuff.blogspot.com/2010/02/stabbed-in-back.htmlIs there anyone else out there that is as... flabbergasted as I am that this ADULT woman would call a child by her first name on her blog (without permission), and then proceed to call her names? Unbelievable."

Yes. I called her names. Yes. That wasn't nice. Yet I hardly feel like I was calling a child names. She's not a child. She's 17 yr old girl, who knows what she's doing, and I don't like it (you probably figured that out by reading my blog entry...heh!) Has this mother never called someone a name? Never said something she didn't mean out of anger? Never voiced her frustration on a situation that affected her family? I guess not. The following comments make me think that I must be the ONLY person who has ever felt those things:

"I can't believe a grown woman would talk about a girl her son is dating that way. Or anybody for that matter, except maybe her husband's mistress. It's just unacceptable...." but saying my husband could have a mistress is okay? Interesting...

"Her son must be so ashamed of her. Is he reading this crap she writes?" Actually, he has. Ashamed of me? Not likely. Just pissed off.

"And, apparently, "Granty" Dad is little better, if at all. Yeeeesh! Creepy crawlies." Where the hell do you get THAT idea?

"Wish the mom could read the comments here on FB. Might be a good wakeup call." Just a wake up call that people are mean and ignorant.

"I cannot imagine a mother writing about her child/ren on a public blog in such a horrifically mean way. I am beyond stupefied at her total lack of sensitivity towards her son and his girlfriend. I feel sick to my stomach." Lack of sensitivity? Are you serious? Did you read what I wrote?

"I really don't understand your sympathy. Then again, I guess it's OK to judge us for calling foul-mouth mom out on her emotionally aggressive behavior, but somehow she's in the clear? Don't get it." Emotionally aggressive? Calling someone a skank is emotionally aggressive? I thought it was just rude...no wait, I thought it showed a "lack of sensitivity".

"I think you're sadisic. You enjoy seeing people around you in pain. It's cruel. My guess is that you secretly wish his gf would read this and feel awful. Obviously you do, or else you would not of publicly posted this about her." NOW I'm a sadist! Wait 'til Granty hears about this!!

"I hope one day you can swallow your pride and quit making up excuses for your behavior. "Being a mom is not an excuse to be cruel to other people." Really? Well then you must not be a mom.

"This blog post sounds like it was written by a childish, mean, bitter woman. You should be totally embarassed and ashamed of the things you have said about this young girl." Yes, I suppose I should. Poor, poor little girl. *tear*

It's amazing the conclusion these women came to, just by reading one blog entry. Without the facts, without knowing me, they have defined who I am: a no-good, insensitive, bitter, spiteful, hateful, childish woman who is a terrible parent. Wow. They are pretty smart. They really have me figured out. Which is a good thing, considering we live in a mormon community and you certainly want to pick out the "bad mothers". Hopefully, this Sunday when they sit through Sacrament Meeting, or teach their Primary lesson, or listen to the instructor in Relief Society they can be confident in knowing they have successfuly found one of those bad mothers. Bravo on your judgement. You are definitely elect ladies!

And then, as if adding insult to injury this comment showed up. It was left by the owner of the facebook page; the mom of the gf's friend. She said:

"According to my daughter, dad is physically abusive. Sad situation all around."

I was stunned. I was completely shocked. I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

It was one thing to say harsh things about me, but this was a LIE. A flat out lie and they were saying it about my Granty! They were gossiping about the man who means the most to me in this world and it tore me up inside.

This was Tuesday night. Neither Granty or I got any sleep. We had visions of DCFS showing up at our doorstep to take our kids away. We were angry and hurt and exhaused. Tim knew something was wrong the next morning, but we weren't sure what we were going to do so we didn't say anything to him...or anyone else. We had to keep our mouths shut. We were hoping we could sue the friend's mother for slander, but because her comment says, "according to my daughter" it's considered hearsay. Oh, and all the comments about how using her name is illegal...it's not. We found those comments pretty funny, considering Granty works in a law office and he knows the laws forward and backward. Anyway...

That evening I asked Tim where his gf would get the idea that he had been abused. He said he has never said anything to anyone about being abused. I said to him, that than means your gf is lying. I asked if that bothered him. Did it bother him that his gf is spreading scandalous LIES about his dad. Lies that could break up our family. Lies that could destroy us. Did that bother him? His answer...my gf didn't want this. I got a bit angry and said, and we DID want this? Quit feeding me this crap that she is innocent. Look what she has done!

Why did I bother?

SHE went searching for my blog. Did she think she was going to find a love letter written to her from me? She knows how I feel about her. The only reason I can think she would look at my blog was to stir up trouble. Again. Like she always does. Yet she STILL has done no wrong.

Is it really worth risking our family...for her?

At this moment, we don't know what to do. We have different options we are weighing, but we need the drama to stop. I told Granty that when we pray, we need to ask how to bring peace back to our home again. THAT is my ultimate goal. This whole situation had trickled down to our other kids and we can't have them living in fear.

So my story ends with no real ending actually. It's still a story in progress, and as things happen, I'll keep you posted.