Only in my dreams...

This is a picture of my cute Nana and my niece Eve. They look so cute, all ready for bed! I really miss her. My Nana died last December and like I said, I miss her. A lot.

Last night I had a dream and she was in it. In my dream I had forgotten she passed away, and we were talking and laughing with my mom and my aunt. At one point, she started to cry and when I asked her why she was crying she said, "I am sad because I am going to miss you! But I'm not afraid to die, because I know. I know today just like I knew yesterday. I know!"

I wouldn't say the dream was disturbing, but it has been on my mind since I woke up. One of my cousins was in my dream too, and in my dream she told me she was struggling.
I told her that I had been having a hard time too and she said, "I don't think I'm here by coincidence."

So...what does it all mean?

That I don't know, but I feel strongly that my Nana was trying to tell me something. I really felt her talking to me, through a dream, but I don't know what I'm supposed to know. Is she telling me to have more faith? Is she reassuring me she is with our Heavenly Father? Is she directing me to my cousin so we can help each other? Honestly, I don't know...

I do miss my Nana terribly. She used to write me letters all the time with words of encouragement and her testimony. She just seemed to know when I needed something to lift my spirits. She'd include notes that would say, "This is a hug from me to you" and signed every letter with hugs and kisses. Maybe she was sending me some encouragement from beyond the veil? Letting me know she's still there? I'm not sure.

But I hope she visits my dreams again! I love you Nana!

Am I the biggest loser?

So...

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and couldn't believe who you saw staring back at you? You look at the reflection and say, "What the hell? Who is that? I don't know her!" and then you get that sinking feeling that, yeah...you DO know her. That's YOU.

Yep. I have reached a breaking point.

I seriously thought that maybe I was going nuts, that I was once again off my rocker. I've been screaming at my kids, so very easily irritated, and generally angry...for no reason. I mean, come on--what do I have to complain about? I have a beautiful home, 4 great kids, a husband who loves me despite my flaws--what more do I need?

So I took a good hard look at that girl in the mirror. I decided it's time for some serious changes.

Time to take better care of ME.

• go to bed earlier
• take my meds EVERY DAY
• eat the right foods
• drink more water
• try to be more physically active
• let stuff GO...no more emotional baggage
• read more
• laugh more
• smile more
• take more naps

I am stressed OUT and I have to take care of myself before I can take care of my family. As a mom, I am gonna be busy and there really isn't a way around it, but I can learn to handle things better. And so I shall.

I joined Weight Watchers Online again. Granty just laughed. How many times have I joined now? Hee hee! Doesn't matter. I feel better already knowing that I am doing something for myself to make me feel (and look!) better. Maybe I'll be lucky this time and I won't have to join ever again! I'll be the biggest loser! WOOT!

Take care,

UPDATE...UPDATE...UPDATE

WOW..it's been a long time!

I've thought about blogging a lot lately, but just haven't taken the time. I'm busy, yeah, but I should be better about updating this thing! After all, it is my journal...

ANYWAY...

Here, in a nutshell, is what's been going on around here:

• A TEEN'S ROOM...while Tim was gone on trek, I had my parents help me "redo" Tim's room. A lot of people were concerned I was doing it as a surprise...that he's a teenager and would want his room a certain way...that he wouldn't like it. Well, I know my kid...and he LOVED it! We painted a foot high black stripe around his room, hung his old skateboards up, bought some new posters, got new bedding for his bed, and grandma even made him a new quilt (black and white). We even hung up some old snowboards as shelves. Now onto Kaleb & Cameron's...
• TREK...Tim came home a seriously changed person. When I picked him up the night they returned, he cried the whole way home. He just didn't want to leave the feelings he had in Martin's Cove behind. He made some amazing friends and learned some wonderful lessons. He hasn't been the same since coming home.
• BREAK UP...YES!!! you heard me right, Tim broke up with his gf! He came home from trek and decided there are some better things out there for him, and let her go. He met some really cute girls on trek and has had a great time just getting to know said girls. He's hanging out with his friends, has joined the wrestling team at school and is getting involved with debate. FINALLY, we're on the right track!
• SUMMER...we had a fun summer. We went swimming, had bbq's, went to movies, played miniature golf, went to neighborhood parties...we really had a good time together. Our big vacation was the beginning of September in St George. What could be better than days and days of swimming, eating good food, and sleeping? Oh, and watching "The Vampire Diaries" on DVD. WOOT!
• SCHOOL...it may sound strange, but I did NOT look forward to school starting. I hate the busy schedule school brings. Now, I know there are mom's with busier schedules than me, but frankly, this is busy for ME:

5:30am.....get up, make lunches, make breakfast
6:00 am...take Tim to the school for wrestling practice
6:45am....make sure other 3 kids are getting ready for school
7:00am....make breakfast, again
7:30am.....Kaleb & Cameron off to school
7:40am.....Taylor off to school, 1st two babysitting kids arrive
8:00am.....other two babysitting kids arrive
11:20am....one more babysitting kid arrives
1:30pm....1st babysitting kid goes home
2:10pm.....pick up older babysitting kid from school
2:15pm....pick up Taylor from school; take two neighbor kids home
3:00pm....Kaleb and Cameron home from school
3:30pm.....pick up Tim from school after debate
5:30pm.....babysitting kids go home

Whew! That's all I can say...

• SCOUTS...my twins love scouts. They have become heavily involved in their boy scout troop and LOVE going on camp outs. They are leaving tomorrow on another said camp out--this one to Moab. The boys are all being checked out of school early. All the boys but mine. Due to some pretty pathetic grades, I can't justify letting them miss some school. Luckily one of their leaders is willing to wait for them to come home from school and then take 'em. Lucky, lucky boys!
• SHE'S WEARING WHAT?...that's right folks. My almost 12 yr old daughter has decided to sneak make-up to school since I won't let her wear it. Okay, I take it back, she can wear mascara and lip gloss. That's it. I have caught her after school with eyeshadow, blush AND lipstick on. See, she's not smart enough to wash it off before she comes home. Little stinker! *sigh* I guess I have to accept the fact she is turning into a young woman and wants to do young woman things. Except make-up!
• I AM SWEDISH...well, in the play I am in. YES!! I am in a play! Again! Finally! After what, 17 years, I am back on the stage! WOOT! The thing is, my character is Swedish...how the hell do you do a Swedish accent? I sound too German, or too Spanish whenever I try. Everyone keeps suggesting the Swedish Chef from The Muppet Show--now wait a second. First, you can't understand a word and second, I don't wanna throw fish around. Sheesh! Seriously though, I am stoked to be in another play. I can't wait for the next one!

Well, that's about it for now. I suppose I shall sign off until next time. Until then, be excellent to each other...