Wednesday, November 17, 2010

SO SICK!

Let's face it...today I am SICK!

So sick of taking meds to keep my brain thinking right.
So sick of being tired because of said meds.
So sick of feeling like a freak.
So sick of feeling all alone.
So sick of being mean and liking it.
So sick of being forgetful cuz my head is full of fog.
So sick of people walking on eggshells around me cuz I'm a nut.
So sick of closing myself off from everyone.
So sick of crying.
So sick of wanting to hurt people.
So sick of hurting myself.
So sick of feeling guilty for feeling this way.
So sick of being bipolar.

So, yer thinking, being bipolar isn't so bad. At least it's not cancer...or diabetes...or heart disease. Yeah, well being bipolar IS a cancer to me. It eats away at me until there is nothing but a hollow shell left. It IS diabetes to me, cuz nothing is sweet to me. Nothing tastes or feels sweet cuz I don't process it right. It IS heart disease to me, cut my heart aches...all the time.

Seriously, who said that we wouldn't be given trials we can't handle? Were they smoking crack? I'm not sure that's true whatsoever cuz I'm not sure I can handle this trial much longer. It's just...too...heavy. Speaking of crack...I feel like I just might.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

You hit a WHAT??

So, last week was the showing of our play "The Night Of January 16th". Talk about an AMAZING experience! I haven't been in a play for over 15 years and it was so fun to be in a show again.

I forgot how friendships grow between cast members, and that for that short time, you become almost like family. I certainly felt close to the 15 other people I was in the play with. Especially Friday night...

I was on my way home from the show, coming down Pony Express Parkway which is a pretty dark street, and the median between lanes is filled with trees and bushes. I was basking in the "after performance" glow when I noticed a deer--and ENORMOUS deer, out of the corner of my eye. The deer wasn't across the street, it was next to my car, coming out of a large bush! I didn't even see it soon enough to hit my breaks--I hit the deer instead.

My airbags deployed and my car was immediately filled with smoke and I started choking. I was so stunned, I couldn't even roll my window down. I just sat there and coughed. I heard a knocking on my window, and it was one of my fellow cast members standing there wide-eyed asking if I was okay. I finally got my window rolled down and I asked him if I hit a deer. He chuckled and said, "Seriously, are you okay?" and I got out of my car to see what damage I had done.

I was shaking but it really wasn't horribly cold. I couldn't believe what had just happened. A couple more of my cast members stopped and came running over to me. The reality of what had occurred finally hit me and I started to cry as one of them walked up to me and wrapped her arms around me. I said to her, "My husband is going to be so mad at me!" She didn't agree.

A police officer happened to be driving past and saw the commotion and pulled over to help. He looked at my car and asked if I was sure I had hit a deer and not a cow! My friend who was behind me when I hit the deer told the police that it was the biggest deer he had ever seen! I turned to the officer and cried saying, "I'm sorry I killed the deer! I'm so sorry!" The police officer made me sit down in my car and wait for the paramedics to arrive and told me the last thing I should be worried about was a damn deer, but I felt terrible! My arms had been burned by the air bags and I had a cut on my neck from the seat belt, but I assured him I was fine. He didn't care. He wanted me checked out and was actually very, very concerned.

I was embarrassed to be seen however, because I was in my ugly-ass costume from the play! My character was an older Swedish woman and I was dressed to fit the part! I kept telling all of the emergency personnel that this was NOT how I usually dressed! They thought I was rather humorous and maybe I was in a bit of shock. Um, no...I'm always funny and I DON'T dress like a Swedish housekeeper!!

I kept getting calls from my other cast members. Was I okay? Did I need a ride home? Did I need a ride to the show tomorrow? Did I want them to go to the hospital with me? Did I need anything at all? They were all so good to me :)

When the police officer finally decided I could go home, he gave me a ride since my car had to be towed. I just wanted to get to my room so I could collapse and cry myself to sleep. Granty and the twins were out of town, Tim was at a friend's house and Taylor was too, so I would be all alone to bawl like a baby.

I walked into my dark and eerily quiet house and simply collapsed. It was a small accident, but it shook me up nonetheless. I keep seeing that deer leap out in front of my car. My back & neck are really sore as well as my biceps. I must have grabbed the steering wheel really tight. I have a bruise across my neck and both of my forearms are burned from the airbags (I didn't know they could do that!)

Our insurance company has decided to have our car repaired, which actually is fine with me. I would rather not have to go looking for a new car at this point. I liked the one I had. This is weird though--I'm really tired now. And I ache. I guess that's normal isn't it? I mean I did hit a cow...err...a deer!