Pleh!

I've had some stuff mulling around in my head lately. Kind of like a marble rolling around and it's started to really bug me! It's almost like these thoughts have a will of their own and they'd really like to get out. Maybe if I "let them out", so to speak, they will quiet down! So, here goes...

Having bipolar disorder SUCKS. It sucks and I hate it. I hate it every single day. I have to think before I speak or something will come out wrong and someone will think I'm slipping. I have to think before I act or someone will think I'm losing it. I have to think before I question things or someone with think I'm off my rocker. Honestly, I can't just have a bad day or I get interrogated:

Are you taking your meds?
Do you think about suicide?
Do you need to call your doctor?

I can have bad days just like everybody else. It's just that sometimes my bad days end up lasting an extended period of time...and then I made everyone suffer. I don't mean to. Honestly I don't. I don't realize that I'm being short-tempered with my kids...or that I get annoyed SO quickly...or that I'm not sleeping like I should...or that I don't have the energy I need to get through the day...or that I'm overeating...or not eating enough...or that I've had an earache for over a month now...or that I'm getting lost in thought...or that some things that come out of my mouth are just plain mean...I don't know I'm doing these things. Ever.

The confusion in my head has become SO routine, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. It feels normal to wake up angry. It feels normal to be exhausted EVERY DAY. It feels normal to not be able to think things through clearly. It feels normal to live in a fog. It feels normal to be forgetful. It feels normal to be overwhelmed. That's just what it's like to be Kerri.

I think this is the way my life is supposed to be. I'm not really unhappy, just kind of coasting through life. I see other people doing and achieving things all around me that I know I never will get to take a part of. And that's okay. I've learned that I can only do so much, and sometimes that isn't very much. I've learned my limits. Some people are limited physically...I'm limited mentally.

Last year I had a setback in September. I had some difficulty with hypomania, and it scared me. I haven't been manic in years, and I could feel how wrong things were in my body, yet I couldn't do anything about it. I feel much better now thanks to meds and a great Pdoc, but I haven't feel my level of "normal" since. Sometimes it frightens me that I will never feel right again.

Sometimes I just wanna give up and go completely crazy. Think about it...I'd be so out of my mind, I wouldn't know it was bad. I'd be locked in my own happy world, on awesome meds, with nobody to worry about. I'd be ignornant...and it would be great!

But I know I can't. And I won't.

But it still sucks.

side note: Is it embarassing to be bipolar? For me it is. Do I want other people to know that I'm crazy? Not really, but it helps them understand why I am the way I am. Do I wish I wasn't bipolar? ABSOLUTELY! Am I one of those people who is going to say "I'm so grateful for this trial...it has helped me learn so much"? No. I'm not. I hate it and I wish it would go away. I'm not that strong. I wish I could have learned things a different way. Am I kind of angry about being bipolar today? Yes. Yes I am.

Carribean Cruise, 2010

3 words: A-MA-ZING!

Our cruise to the Eastern Carribean was awesome! We were so lucky to be invited by Granty's employers. They go on a trip every January, so we're crossing our fingers we got to go again!

We were gone for 7 days and visited the islands of St Maarten, Grand Turk and St Thomas. We ate delicious food, layed out on the deck of the ship and watched movies on the HUGE screen, ate some more, went snorkeling, played on the beach, ate yet again, shopped and shopped and shopped, collected sea shells, toured the islands and finally ate some more.

SO FUN!

My Brady!

I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day for a variety of reasons.
But this year...
how could I hate it when this guy...
gave me this guy...for a Valentine's Day present. He says I'm his girlfriend and he's my boyfriend. Gotta love that! Eat your heart out ladies! He's my guy!

hee hee!

Time to smell the roses...

I read a blog today: http://stakerzxposed.blogspot.com/
A blog that made my literally sob.
I wept for the Staker family.
And then I wept for my own.

It's time.

Time to play more with my kids.
Time to enjoy my surroundings.
Time to breathe in the fresh air outside.
Time to make a delicious dinner for my family, because I love them.
Time to go to bed early and get good rest.
Time to listen to music I love and sing at the top of my lungs.
Time to take my dog on a walk.
Time to visit my brother.
Time to listen to my kids ramble about nothing.
Time to hug my husband.
Time to tickle the babies I watch daily.
Time to enjoy drinking a Diet Pepsi, just cuz.
Time to talk a little softer.
Time to say something nice to each of my kids.
Time to call my mom and ask her to go to lunch.
Time to hold each of my kids, just a little tighter.
Time to appreciate my friends.
Time to pray a little more fervently.
Time to thank my dad for his advice.
Time to tell my family that I love them.
Time to show them I love them.
Time to show them I love them...again.

It'S My BerfDaY...I cAn crY iF I WanT tO!

I have the most amazing friends. I say it all the time, but I do! We call ourselves the "Domestic Goddesses" and when we get together, there is never a dull moment!!

They surprised me again this year for my birthday. I knew they were coming, I just didn't know what antics the night would hold! As ALWAYS, they didn't disappoint! OMIGOSH we had fun!


They know that I'm a Twilight junkie, so when they arrived, and I answered the door, who did I find standing there? Only the sexiest wolf on the planet...JACOB BLACK!! He had a sign that said, "Hey Birthday Girl, come and PLAY with me!" Needless to day...I DID!

They took me to see "Twi-lite: I Was A Teenage Vampire" at the Desert Star Playhouse and it was a hoot! All 4 of us are Twilight fans, so it really was a ton of fun. They even made us fan t-shirts too! Heather's was "Team Emmet", Dawn's "Team Edward", mine "Team Jacob" and Audra "Team Who The Hell Cares", simpy cuz she isn't as nuts about the vampires as the rest of us are!

The night concluded with dessert at The Cheesecake Factory, which has become a regular event for us! You just can't beat a tasty piece of cheesecake, ya know?

Honestly, what else can I say? Presents, dinner, super entertainment, party favors, cheesecake...what a great 39th bday! I have the very best friends on the planet, and I'm so grateful they are MINE! We really have a great support system, the 4 of us, and it just makes life that much easier! I seriously heart you guys!! xoxo

Stabbed in the back

Being stabbed in the back by a friend hurts. A lot.

Being stabbed in the back by a family member...one of your children. That pain is indescribable.

I don't understand where I went wrong.

But apparantly I did.

I've had a few people ask me what's happened so...here goes...

Tim has a girfriend. They've been "together" (not dating!) for almost a year now, and the last year has been difficult. We weren't happy when we found out he had said gf, but nonetheless, we've done what we feel we can to be supportive. We've set clear rules about when they are together and then backed those rules with consequences.

Long story short....rules have been broken and consequences have been enforced. We aren't perfect parents (surprise surprise!) but we didn't think we were being unreasonable. Well, apparantly we were...

The gf (aka Skanky hoebag) has written on her facebook a few times about how dissapointed she's been when their plans fall through because of said consequences. This is understandable, but Ms Hoebag has convinced our kid that we are trying to keep them apart...that we are poor providers for him because we won't buy him a sassy cell phone or a car when he turns 16. She feels these things should be provided by the parents. She also is disgusted that we won't buy him clothes and things EVERY weekend like her parents do. Um...seriously? I told Tim that his skank is a spoiled, selfish, rich bitch and that he's her boy from the wrong side of the tracks. Maybe she can be his "sugar mama".

Things finally exploded this weekend when rules were broken...again...when they were at our house last Thursday. Granty decided the priveledge to hang out on Friday had been revoked when rules were broken, and of course, that didn't go over well. She immediately went to her facebook and lamented the fact that her Friday was now ruined because of ME. I told Tim I was deleting her as a facebook friend because I was tired of seeing her comments about me. He had asked me months ago to stop talking about him on facebook, and so I was doing my best not to. But her comments continued...

A while later that evening an argument broke out with Tim & Taylor and in trying to settle the argument, I apparantly took Taylor's side. Tim was angry because he claimed Taylor is spoiled and always gets her way. A lot of things came to a head that night and I'm afraid I lost my temper with him.

Well....of course....he told his hoebag and she was pissed that I would treat her puppet so badly. She proceeded to update her status on facebook and I quote: WOW...you sure are mature for someone your age. What are you like 40? Trying to start drama with a 17 yr old girl? That's pathetic, I'm just sayin'. I had already deleted her as a friend, but she wasn't smart enough to have her privacy settings on facebook, so we saw it simply by looking her up.

Granty wasn't happy.

Granty was irate.

The next morning, she put on her status: anyone know how to fix a hurt heart? Apparantly I had hurt her because under her comments, somebody asked, "What happened?" and her response was "Tim's mom". See, I have these amazing supernatural powers that can reach out from where I am and squish her heart like a grape. It's crazy, but true.

She accused Granty of being a pervert and hacking into her facebook account so he could see her page and wrote: quit hacking into my acount you freaking psycho and leave me the hell alone! We laughed at that because she's apparantly just too dumb to know better.

Then, there was the fated phone call. Now, Granty isn't proud of this, but sometimes a parent has to do what a parent has to do. Tim had called his woman, so Granty listened on the other end. She was crying because we were so mean and she told him that she does NOT owe me an apology because she did nothing wrong. Tim told her that she has done more for him than anybody else ever has and that his parents are merely providers. She threw in that we BARELY provide. Tim said that he supported her 100% in this whole thing. She told him that Granty and I are freaking psychos, and that's when I told Granty I didn't want to know any more.

Up until this point, I was angry at Michelle, but now? Now I'm hurt...so deeply that my son thinks so little of me. He has cried and cried the past two days but I don't know if it's because he feels badly because he hurt my feelings, or if he feels badly that he can't see his skank as easily as he once did. We aren't stopping them from being together, just not allowing her to come here for a while.

This morning before he left for school he was asking what is going on this weekend (there is no school on Friday). I said to him, "If you are wondering if you can go to someone's house Friday, you can. You can go there around 2 or 3 and come home around 8 or 9". His back was to me and I watched his shoulders shake as he started to cry. I asked him, "Are you crying in relief because you can see her?" He said, "No mom, I'm just sad. I know you will think this is hollow, but I do love you and you are a good mom". I turned him toward me and said, "I know you love me. I love you, too." He then wiped his tears and walked to the bus.

It kills me that he is hurting, but unfortunately it's a path he's going to have to walk now. I can't make this situation go away...it's just going to have to work itself out. The damage has been done and now it has to somehow heal. I can be the adult and be forgiving, but as of this moment, I don't know how. I know the Lord says to forgive, but he doesn't say when. I will forgive her, for my son's sake, but not today.

Maybe tomorrow.

Too thin???

Seriously?

Okay, THIS is my beautiful daughter, Taylor. Yes, she's a little on the thin side...yes, she's rather tiny and petite...yes, she's a stinkin' hottie (okay that's what I think cuz I'm her mom, but I'm also right)...yet...

At school she is constantly being teased by a little monster in her class because she supposedly looks, "anorexic". Excuse me? When I was in school, it was fun to tease the fat kid, but the skinny kid? What the hell? When is it okay to tease anyone about anything?

This girl that won't leave Taylor alone is the worst! She calls her skinny, anorexic, asks her when the last time she ate was, tells her that her mom's heart is colder than a chainlink fence in winter, she gets mad at Taylor and digs her fingernails into her arm...I don't know what's wrong with this girl. What kind of parents does she have to make her think it's okay to hurt someone else's feelings?

Yesterday, Taylor got pushed face down into the snow by this girl, and again told that she's too skinny. I'm afraid a bomb inside me has finally gone off and I've HAD IT! I will not allow this biznatch of a girl continue harassing my daughter and the school WILL do something about it or I'm going to the district. My children need to feel safe when they go to school. I feel like I'm sending my little lamb to the slaughter.

Taylor gets bugged enough by her brothers about being thin. I ask you, WHEN did it become a crime to be thin? For heaven's sake, aren't we bombarded by the media about exercise, eating right, looking beautiful--my daughter comes by it naturally, yet everyone gives her a hard time about it. How does this make sense? I would KILL to look like her.

What kills me in all of this is that I'm watching my confident, strong little girl slowly crumbling. She calls me from school, crying that her stomach hurts, and when I finally get it out of her, I find out this girl has been tormenting her, again. Well I'm done. I will put up with this no longer. I know that the school can only do so much, but as her mom, I am unstoppable and I will make this end NOW.

Taylor, you need to know you are a beautiful little girl. You have a wonderful personality, and it doesn't matter what anyone says about you because YOU ARE PERFECT! Your Heavenly Father loves you just the way you are and he is proud of what a sweet girl you are. You are compassionate, kind, and genuinely good natured. I love you with all of my heart!

I am mother bear...hear me ROAR!

UPDATE: I talked to both Taylor's teacher and principal today and for starters, she is switching tracks at school. This means she will go to school at a different time and the girls should see less of each other. Taylor's teacher is so wonderful! She said she will do anything in her power to help Taylor to feel comfortable and safe again at school. The principal has also offered to call the girl bothering her into his office and have a chit-chat. I told him that for now, let's just see how the track change affects things and then go from there. Taylor seems emtionally exhausted this afternoon, but relieved to know that things are going to change...hopefully. She's been crying a lot today, but we said a prayer after school, asking for help and she seems a little more cheerful. I am grateful to all of my good friends out there--your comments have been so helpful! It's good to know that not only am I loved, but so is my daughter. Thank you!!