Pleh!

I've had some stuff mulling around in my head lately. Kind of like a marble rolling around and it's started to really bug me! It's almost like these thoughts have a will of their own and they'd really like to get out. Maybe if I "let them out", so to speak, they will quiet down! So, here goes...

Having bipolar disorder SUCKS. It sucks and I hate it. I hate it every single day. I have to think before I speak or something will come out wrong and someone will think I'm slipping. I have to think before I act or someone will think I'm losing it. I have to think before I question things or someone with think I'm off my rocker. Honestly, I can't just have a bad day or I get interrogated:

Are you taking your meds?
Do you think about suicide?
Do you need to call your doctor?

I can have bad days just like everybody else. It's just that sometimes my bad days end up lasting an extended period of time...and then I made everyone suffer. I don't mean to. Honestly I don't. I don't realize that I'm being short-tempered with my kids...or that I get annoyed SO quickly...or that I'm not sleeping like I should...or that I don't have the energy I need to get through the day...or that I'm overeating...or not eating enough...or that I've had an earache for over a month now...or that I'm getting lost in thought...or that some things that come out of my mouth are just plain mean...I don't know I'm doing these things. Ever.

The confusion in my head has become SO routine, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel anymore. It feels normal to wake up angry. It feels normal to be exhausted EVERY DAY. It feels normal to not be able to think things through clearly. It feels normal to live in a fog. It feels normal to be forgetful. It feels normal to be overwhelmed. That's just what it's like to be Kerri.

I think this is the way my life is supposed to be. I'm not really unhappy, just kind of coasting through life. I see other people doing and achieving things all around me that I know I never will get to take a part of. And that's okay. I've learned that I can only do so much, and sometimes that isn't very much. I've learned my limits. Some people are limited physically...I'm limited mentally.

Last year I had a setback in September. I had some difficulty with hypomania, and it scared me. I haven't been manic in years, and I could feel how wrong things were in my body, yet I couldn't do anything about it. I feel much better now thanks to meds and a great Pdoc, but I haven't feel my level of "normal" since. Sometimes it frightens me that I will never feel right again.

Sometimes I just wanna give up and go completely crazy. Think about it...I'd be so out of my mind, I wouldn't know it was bad. I'd be locked in my own happy world, on awesome meds, with nobody to worry about. I'd be ignornant...and it would be great!

But I know I can't. And I won't.

But it still sucks.

side note: Is it embarassing to be bipolar? For me it is. Do I want other people to know that I'm crazy? Not really, but it helps them understand why I am the way I am. Do I wish I wasn't bipolar? ABSOLUTELY! Am I one of those people who is going to say "I'm so grateful for this trial...it has helped me learn so much"? No. I'm not. I hate it and I wish it would go away. I'm not that strong. I wish I could have learned things a different way. Am I kind of angry about being bipolar today? Yes. Yes I am.