NO.MORE.DRAMA...part 2

My story must be rivitting, because you are back! That or you have nothing better to do. How rude! Anway...

Things at our house were somewhat tense. Tim spent most of his time in the basement, away from the rest of the family. He isolated himself. He would sulk during FHE, pout during dinner, antagonize his siblings, and glare at me & Granty. Typical teenager I suppose.

We didn't talk about his gf. Any time we did, an argument would break out. Feelings would get hurt and nothing would get resolved. One evening, Tim came in and asked me some questions that were health related. I asked if something was wrong and he said that no, these were questions for his gf. He said to me, "I know you probably don't care, but she has a lump in her throat and I'm worried." My response was, "You are right, I don't really care. I care that you as my son are worried about her, and I certainly don't wish her any ill will, but I am not worried about her. I'm not going to lie."

What happened next really shouldn't surprise me, but somehow it did. Tim started pushing and pushing and pushing me into an argument. I kept telling him that I didn't want to get into this, but he kept pushing. He told me how pathetic I was that I didn't care about his gf. I asked him why should I care about someone who has brought our family nothing but trouble? He said that I used to be the kind of mom he could talk to. He said I used to be the kind of mom who was supportive. He said I used to be the kind of mom who was understanding. Words started flying...feelings started getting hurt. I got sick of the discussion and as I turned to walk away I said, "That's right. Since you met HER, I've become the non-supportive, non-understanding, non-listening mom. I'm just a big old bitch!" I could hear him puff up his chest as he yelled "F_ _ _ YOU!"

I was stunned. My son had never talked to me like THAT before, and I'm afraid I lost all compassion. I turned back to him and said, "That is IT. You will not go to her house again, she will not come here, you will not call her. Period." We didn't speak to each other for about a week. It was torture. I wanted to grab him in my arms and say how sorry I was and that I forgave him, but I couldn't. This wasn't something that was just going to go away without some consquences. We had to find a solution. But we didn't.

After about a week of him ignoring all of us, things came right again. He started asking if he could go hang out with his friends. He wanted to go the skate park. Granty and I were thrilled to see that he wanted to do OTHER things than be with her. We wanted him to be a normal teenager and do normal teenager things. It felt like that was happening. I trusted him completely, however Granty did not. Granty kept saying, are you sure he is where he says he is, and I would say, of course he is! Have some faith in your son!

How wrong I was. Again.

More to come...

NO.MORE.DRAMA...part 1

Everyone knows I'm a talker, but I find myself speechless today. The words just aren't coming, but I have a story to tell. The never-ending drama in our house just came to it's ultimate climax this week. It's gonna take me some time to share our soap opera, so give me a few days and I'll lay it all out for you.

*sigh* Where to begin? I'm pretty sure that everyone knows Tim has a girlfriend. It's been a struggle, to say the least, considering when he met her, he was only 14--not old enough to date by LDS standards. There have been a lot of lies and plenty of deception. They both know how to bend the rules and trick their way into what they want.

Here is the short version of their relationship: They meet...they decide to be a couple...start "hanging" at each other's houses...parents decide they are "hanging" too frequently and put a limit on their time together...they start taking long walks...innapropriate things happen on said "walks"...parents find out and all hell breaks loose...new, strict rules are set in place...rules get broken frequently at our house...we enforce consequences....she says nasty things about us on facebook, convinces Tim we are unreasonable parents...we put a kaibosh on her coming to our house, but he can go to hers.

We confronted Tim about the things she had said about us on facebook, and there was no apology...no feeling bad for what had happened....no remorse. He said we were wrong for looking up her facebook account and she did NOTHING wrong. At all. It's too bad he's decided to possibly share his life with a girl who has little or no respect for adults. That was apparent in her comments.

For a while, we told Tim that his gf wasn't welcome at our house. Neither one of us really wanted to have to speak to her after she was so rude. He spent plenty of time at her house, and for a time all was well, but unfortunately, it wasn't enough for Tim. He wanted more. He wanted everything to back to the way it was: everyone liked his gf and they could spend time together frequently. We told him that was never going to happen. Damage had been done and now we needed to just move forward. Instead of being happy with what he HAD, he lamented on what he DIDN'T have.

He constantly complained and would say he didn't understand why a few hurtful comments she made warranted them not seeing each other as often. I told him it was MORE than just a few comments. It was her manipulative nature. Cameron has witnessed on several occasions how she can bend Tim to her will, even when Tim knows what she is asking for is wrong. It was her disregard for our family rules. We had specific rules for the two of them, and a lot of the time when they were at our house, she had gotten Tim to break them. His judgement was impaired when it came to her. It was the ideas she planted in his head. Telling him we are bad providers, that we are bad parents, that we don't really love him, that we were trying to keep them apart. It was her convincing a 14 boy to be with a 16 yr old girl.

I've been accused of being bitter. Of being jealous. Of being a bad parent. Am I bitter? Yes. Am I jealous? Probably. Of them? No. Jealous of mothers who still have little children at home and don't have this kind of crap to deal with. Am I a bad parent? I've been asking myself that quite a bit lately. I have tried since Tim was 4 yrs old to teach him what is right. I've fed him, clothed him, sat at his bedside when he was ill, provided gifts for holidays, driven him where he needs to go, washed his clothes, kissed him goodnight, fought battles at school for him, taken him to therapy, made sure he took meds for his asthma, gave him siblings, attended countless school programs, encouraged him to become something...if that defines a bad parent, then I am guilty as charged.

There's a lot more to my story, but I'm exhausted. More to come....stay tuned...

TiN gRiN

Sooooo...I got braces!

Crazy?

Yeah, probably...but I don't care.

I'll have pretty teeth ,

And that makes me awfully happy :)

Parenting 101

It really, really, REALLY sucks to be the mom sometimes. I hate having to enforce consequences. I hate having to get after someone who broke the rules. I hate having to discipline. It kills me to look into their eyes and see how hurt they are, but a lesson HAS to be learned.

I guess that's how the Lord feels when I screw up. He knows I am sorry but that doesn't change the fact that I must learn. He hears me cry and plead for things to be different, but, because he loves me, he leaves things the way they are, and waits for the pain to pass.

I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it sure is dark in the hallway.

HALLELUJAH!

Okay, I shouldn't take pleasure in this but...

TIM BROKE UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND!!

Omigosh! I can't tell you how happy I am! That girl has been nothing but trouble since the day they met and I am SO glad she is no longer my son's significant other. We thought she was a sweet girl when we first met her, but then the claws came out and we saw her for who she really is. Tim still thinks she is wonderful, but apparantly they have decided to just be friends.

Surprisingly he isn't sad. At all.

He told me, it is what it is and if she meets somebody else, they weren't meant to be. YIPPIE!! He's definitely matured in the last few weeks. I'm so proud!

On another note...I feel nauseated A LOT lately. NO, I'm not pregnant (don't I wish). I think it's one of the new meds my Dr gave me. She started me on Wellbutrin and one of the side effects is nausea. It is SO BAD! Bleh! She told me to try it for a few more weeks to see if it goes away. Until then, I feel like a pregnant woman. I look like one too! I'm so freaking FAT! How did I gain all of my weight back? Sheesh! Oh wait....I know....I like to eat. Duh!

Meh!

Timmy-Bo-Bimmy

I have said a lot of negative things about my Tim. Yeah, he's screwed up and made some pretty stupid choices--but who among us hasn't right?

I have a wonderful son.

Pure and simple.

This last Sunday I wanted to stay home from church and clean the house since Granty was FINALLY coming home! He had been gone for a week and my house was a disaster! Tim came upstairs and asked, "Are you going to church?" I explained why I wasn't and he left. About an hour later he came into my room, dressed for church and said he was going to Sacrament Meeting.

Wow!

I was SO impressed (and a bit guilty).

He came home from church just beaming. I asked him, "What are you so happy about?" and he just about giggled when he said, "I bore my testimony for the first time!" I was crushed that I missed it!! He said, "I just felt like I needed to say what I believe. I wanted everyone to know and I hope that I helped someone."

Help someone, he did.

Me.

I have made a new commitment to go to my church meetings. I've slacked off a lot lately and come up with all kinds of excuses why I can't go. Well, not anymore. I have definitely learned from my boy.

I go on a lot about what Tim isn't. Well, I want to note some things he IS.

Tim is kind. There isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't hang with his brothers, or play a Wii game with his sister. He tells me he does it because he knows it is important to them. He is sweet to my babysitting kids and often plays with them.

Tim is thoughtful. He often comes to me with the most thought-provoking questions and I am stunned by the things he is thinking of. Sometimes those thoughts are gospel related, sometimes political and sometimes philisophical.

Tim is sensitive. He often comes to me and says, "How ya doin' mom?". He'll ask if I'm okay when I seem down, he'll ask if I need help when I'm busy, and sometimes just jump in and help without being asked. I will sometimes come in the kitchen and find the dishes are done, the counter is clean and the dishwasher is going. He has become very aware of me and my feelings this last year, and it means so much to me. He opens the door for me, carries things into the house for me, and treats me with amazing respect.

Tim is humble. When he has made mistakes, he is quick to apologize and make things right again. He has never been a kid to exclude anyone, and will try to make sure that everyone is included. He wants peace, and gets upset when there is fighting. He will do everything he can to make sure everyone is happy, even if he means he may go without.

I love my Tim! I once called him a dream come true, when my dream to become a mommy was realized because of him.

He is STILL a dream come true.

Looking Up!

My past few posts were awfully dreary. Yes, I just said dreary. Anyway, I'm feeling better. Not 100%, but better. I went to see my regular Dr (I'm searching for a new Pdoc since mine went to the U of U Psych Intake--rude!) and lucky for me, she prescribed me something new to try in addition to my other meds. I'm not positive it's working or not, but at least I'm feeling better this week, so that's definitely GOOD!

Someone asked me an interesting question the other day, and I thought it was an important one. She asked me, "When you are struggling like that, as a friend, what can I do to help?" My answer? Nothing. The best thing for me is to just let me know you are there if I need you, that you love me, and that you'll still be here when I "come back". Basically, I just need time to stew in my sorrow, and then pick myself back up. I can do it. I've done it many times. The most important thing for me is to know you won't turn your back on me since I'm crazy.

I am so grateful that I was born into the family that I was. My parents, my brother, and my extended family are all so supportive and loving when I struggle. I believe Heavenly Father knew what he was doing when he sent me to the Jespersen family.

Then there is my own little family. My kids often get the brunt of my emotional roller coaster, but they are each loving, and kind, and sweet, and most importantly, forgiving. I am trying harder than ever to be a soft-spoken, understanding, supportive mom and the last week my efforts have really paid off. My home is peaceful and happy and that's how I want it to be.

And last, but of course not least, my Granty. He has picked me up off of the floor on many occasions and told me to keep on keepin' on. He loves me unconditionally and I'm grateful to be married to my very best friend.

It isn't easy being me, but I have wonderful friends--the best friends I have ever had in my life! They make my days easier and they don't even know it. I know they are my friends. I know they love me no matter what. I know they would drop everything to help me--they've done it before! And I know that we were guided to meet each other. Maybe we've been friends long before any of us came to earth. I like to think so.